A friend said: ‘Maybe that is why he’s single?’ as words of comfort while refilling my drink from the other side of the bar. Why is he single…I have no idea, but…maybe I have some reasons why he and I are not together…
It had been about a year and a half since I had any situation resembling a relationship. After getting burned the last time, I had a considerable amount of walls up. I could sit here all day and waste time back-tracking what went wrong, but instead I’m only going to spend a few more minutes telling you my thoughts and then bury it because quite frankly I want to get on with it all already. (Besides, as we speak things are starting to look up anyway.)
I anticipated the return of a fellow whom I had made a connection with before he left town, during our previous rendezvous I was never the first one to admit feelings. I remember the night he told me he cared about it me, I laughed and told him to take his pants down because there was business to handle. I had desensitized myself from allowing significant feelings to develop after having the most crushing prior experience ever, quite sometime before him. I turned down the controls on wanting to get emotionally close to someone and turned up my desire of physical satisfaction instead. Even though the next day his words stuck to me. I became worried maybe I was doing to him what had been done to me before. So upon our next meeting we sat and talked about everything (in a not so serious sort of way). It seemed as though we agreed upon the fact making something out of this would be absurd. As it carried on, I started to feel differently: we both did. When someone musters up the nerve to come to you and say ‘HEY, I like you’, that means a lot actually. The person sat and thought about it for a good long while before compromising anything. Means the feelings were weighing on the back of his mind and knew when telling me: there was the potential it could all go wrong.
Who knew it was actually the beginning of the end of a good thing?
Making good conversation wasn’t hard for us. Isn’t that a factor in the formula of a good thing? Didn’t help to be into a lot of the same things, yet not at the same time. We had plenty to appreciate AND learn about one another. It was all so very intriguing suddenly. Two strong, interesting, passionate, creative, very social people were about to enter into the shortest relationship I’ve ever had. Together, I must say we looked like the most adorable couple ever. Slowly we started letting one another mingle with friends, entering field where we will battle test everything. It played out like poetry, but now I must go over a few things I over looked before falling head over heels.
1. The six year age gap. I know might not seem like a whole lot, but when you’ve ‘been there, done that’ it can be intimidating for someone who is craving a taste of life you have definitely already experienced and has been previously written . There is a lot to learn from life when you’re 23 and only JUST begun living (not really but you get it). Alot of people would say we could’ve survived anyway. Let us not forget home base for him was now miles and miles away. Although most people would say that true love knows no boundaries. I fully agree and maybe at some point he did too.
2. Two very rebellious, head-strong people were about to start making a few mistakes. Admitting you like someone doesn’t always mean you’re ready to handle those feelings. There are a few things you have to do: Immediately decide how much of your life you want to incorporate with said person. We turned up the pace on this process probably for a few diferent reasons. Including the fact we never had much time together and what time we did have to spare was valuable. Any time we had alone together seemed worthy enough to spare some to branch out and let our friends know that ‘HEY, we’re together.’ Speeding up the process of settling into a relationship is probably the dumbest idea ever for most. Again I could sit here and backtrack all day to find the answers, but whatever those really are or might be. The fact is: it just didn’t work out. The cons weighing on the situation were accompanied by fear and insecurity because neither of us lived in the same city anymore. This actually didn’t bother me as much as one might think, my point of view was more seasoned and world worn than his; for a young man at the peek point of enjoying all of life’s exciting opportunities: who needed a girlfriend anyway? Right? As I’m saying this it could seem my assumption is a cruel one, but the day I got dropped is one that was a little hard to shallow.
3. At some point during his visit we both began to declare our right to hang out with our friends (separately) when ever we liked. My thoughts came on more as a compromise for his attention later when it was over mostly as an understanding he still had near and dear friends in the area that loved him too. I’m not one to keep a person from being around those that mean the most. He started to seem protective of his time with his friends and I wasn’t ever really extended an invitation to hang out with the ones I hadn’t previously spent time around. Well…whatever, I had ‘This one thing going on over here anyway.’ And so started the pissing contest to see who could flex each others freedom the most and the longest. After a long weekend of partying and staying out too late/early it was clear. There were a few problems. We both like our freedom. I never questioned his activity while not around me, but I’m sure he had his reservations about my bad habits and especially the one including getting drunk and kissing girls (which I still don’t understand). During a very epic argument one night while both heavily intoxicated he told me he didn’t trust me when it came to that touchy subject, recalling something that happened before we starting putting labels on what was going on. By the way…I only made out with her because he was all over some girl ‘a friend’ I had never met before. ANYHOW why would you ever slam your girlfriend for liking girls for all the same reasons you do? Do see where I’m going with this? Two very sensitive and nice people that like to live on their own free will are about to break up.
Sunday night at home after work after a long weekend and a very long day at work. I was ready to spend a bit of quality time now that the dust had settled, but after spending a whole day alone and stir crazy he wanted out of the house. Again, without extending an invitation but also not offering a solution to the fact I too wanted his attention. After some discussion he left the house and returned early the next morning only to nap for a few hours. When I woke it was apparent. We were both upset and angry that an understanding couldn’t be met about it all about everything. With a stairght unemotionless face, dead in the eye, he said it. I don’t remember even blinking before the tears started to run down my face. I lost a friend. Someone that made me laugh so hard my sides felt as though they would burst. Now he had me bursting into tears. He began gathering his things, no arms, no hugs, no apologies, nothing. Obvious at some point he stopped investing his emotions when I had only just begun. Which probably explains why my reaction wasn’t at all upsetting for him. After a few words ‘You probably shouldn’t say I love you unless you really mean it’ and all I said, he walked out of my house and shut the door. It only took about 8 minutes for him to break up with me and leave.
I went through my usual routine of drinking bottles of wine and listening to Placebo on loop, watching Hedwig non stop and a few days of binge drinking later. I realized my favorite book I had lent to him would probably never be returned. As of now not a peep was heard from his side of the battle lines. I decided a friendship from this would be silly, simply because he didn’t put in the time nor effort to really see if it could all work out and instead choose the ‘get out now and quick’ approach. It’s hard to want to contact someone that just broke your heart. After making exceptions to every rule I had made before, seems although none were made for me.
Life goes on…
Getting dumped sucks. Now it is time to again learn from the mistakes and pick up the pieces. (Whatever, the next weekend I forgot how to even spell the silly way in which he spells his name and said “Fuck it.”)
Boyfriends without big boy pants are for the birds and I get to go back to excepting free drinks without guilt.
Funny…my pocket has been a lot heavier these days.
Polygamists have a large taboo, especially in the South, which should be expelled. It is not about cheating and being dirty. Polygamy is about experiencing the variety of affection different people have to offer.
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